I've been having trouble getting to class as of late.
This Wednesday I hauled myself into class so I could explain my absence
to my english professor, who gave me an extension of a few days on
our current writing project, a nature memoir.
This blog post will consist of the entire memoir I have written this morning,
underneath this text in a link.
I'll be editing it soon, it has a lot of odd language I wrote while I let my brain
leak out.
Everything Stays
Bryer was over this weekend.
We had tried to get his swedish cousin over as well, but that boy
could not fathom hopping on a train for half an hour for a fun time in
the city. I had him park in a spot outside the building where we were
surprised to find no ticket waiting for him in the morning. I had him play
Boneworks, an incredibly developed VR game with an absolutely astounding physics
engine. This was practically Bryer's introduction to VR, which was hilarious,
considering that this is a game meant for people who have used a headset many times
already. Thankfully he had very little motion sickness, which was surprising. He had
a blast knocking objects against other things and attempting to break every box he found.
I've got my antidepressants swapped to Exeffor at the moment, while overlapping the
Zoloft, so we'll see how it affects me in the future. I'm really hoping that it's going
to bring back some of that motivation for life in me that I've felt I've been missing
for a good amount of time now. I think the true worst of all this right now is that
the robomode has made it incredibly difficult to attend my classes. All of it
seems worthless, and my grades are clearly going to falter because of it. Yuuuck.
I'll get past it all, and things will be alright. Right now? Ick.
I always have my girlfriend though, which makes this a load better.
I feel almost as if the idea of schooling isn't appealing to me any longer, with
my mind being much more set on honing my skills becoming a full stack developer. So far
I am being forced to go through so many more courses and lectures in my future that will
have little to no effect on my actual aspirations, regardless of whether or not I'll reach my
major's specialized courses by my junior year.
Becoming full stack is something I'm already on a great path towards, with myself now beginning
to touch what is possibly my least favorite language of all time, PHP. I hate it more
than I do JavaScript. I will continue as best I can with college for now, because
of the expectations I believe are upon me to graduate and get some sort of degree.
It feels as if by the time I will be able to work on my major in a couple years, I will
have been able to learn so much more on my own, just as I have with frontend development
thus far. Of course, this perspective has many MANY cons attached to it, so I believe it
should be best to keep pushing myself through whatever high school level classes I am being required
to take at the moment, so that I do not end up as some sort of bum in my parents' basement.
That college bit was a huge tangent from Bryer, but his Boneworks experience was the most notable
event of that night.
Carson was a very good friend of mine throughout my entire high school career,
and recently he has been showing an intense space in the relationships he's formed
over that time. Over the past few months, he has acted as if our high school experience,
and therefore any memories or experiences had during that time, mattered
very little in comparison to the change that college will bring him. I am not sure if
he even understands that he's doing it, or even that it affects those around him.
He seems to have lost the portion of himself that allowed him to care about the lives
and feelings of those he associated himself with, turning himself into the
surface level version that everybody sees first thing. It's not the right way to
treat a friendship built on something like that. What's different, is that he used to truly give a shit
underneath the rude and joking part that came up at the very top.
It is incredibly difficult to watch and see, as it seems to have affected his relationship with his
own girlfriend as well. That, to me, is the toughest portion of all of this.
I know I can handle a friend drifting from me, but not a partner. The attention he shows
is so lacking that I can't fathom he's doing it unconsciously any longer.
Regardless, me and Jaxson are still great friends, and are supporting each other
through the mutual space we've been experiencing with someone we thought would never
give that shit to us in the first place.
We're giving him some space at the moment, and he has been sending snaps
and reels like nothing has changed, with no real conversations had between us other
than the usual completely unserious responses he gives during passing moments of
conversation. It's tough, and I feel less depressed about it all, but more enraged.
So, for the whole summer and a couple months, I have been experiencing the
intense change that higher education and my 18th birthday has brought me.
Since last writing any sort of journal about my life, I have lost 35lbs, moved
into a studio apartment in uptown Chicago, and spent most of my time not doing
very much at all. Although, I've still made great progress with myself despite how
blind I've been to all of it.
Me and my girlfriend are doing wonderfully, and I am forever grateful she was
there for me throughout what I consider to be the toughest portion of my life so far.
I've reduced my Zoloft prescription to 100mg, down from 200mg, as it has been
making me feel far more robotic than alive. The scary bit about this is that it
sort of required I went cold turkey on my antidepressants for a couple days.
The morning I called my psychiatrist about trying different medication, I was
going through incredibly intense withdrawal symptoms. I'm frankly not sure how I survived
that morning, as every thought that flew into my head was telling me the worst
shit I could ever be forced to hear. Aside from that, I was also the most productive
I had been in a whole year. I advocated for myself heavily that day, and I believe
it was in part due to the consciousness allowed upon me by halting my Zoloft intake.
I will absolutely never be making this mistake again. I still have a large bruise on my palm
from it colliding with my own face. I think the only reason this event helped me at all
is due to my already decent sense of self keeping me from not seeing past my own nose. I took
that manic energy that was given to me that day and did as much as possible, and now I'm
back to sitting and doing very little.
On a much happier note, I made my girlfriend her own webpage and I'm very
happy with how she likes it. I still find great passion in making things like that, and
it makes me feel even happier to be able to share it with people I love. I'm hoping
that if this whole university thing turns out to be a waste of my time, I can cling
onto this hobby of mine and do something amazing with it.
I feel like I always have a great deal of hope in me that constantly gets shot
down by the small amount of despair running things up there. I think,
though, that everything's going to end up alright.